TOUR DIARY #7: CANADA
Oh Canada!!! One of my favorite places in the world! If you have never been there, I suggest you go at once!
Here are a few tips for first time American tourists on how not to push your luck:
1) No matter how clever you feel, don't make the "your money looks like monopoly money" joke. It's a sure thing they've heard it about six hundred more times than you've "made it up ." They probably won't beat you up, but they should.
2) Don't say "eh" really loud, over and over. They've seen "Strange Brew." You will be a blinking neon warning sign that says, "Avoid me at all costs, I am an ignorant moron!"
3) Don't eat the pizza (there are too few exceptions to this rule to mention)
4) Don't try to prove yourself by drinking too much strong Canadian beer in one manly gesture, you will experience a self-imposed exile in the toilets.
5) If you are in a provincial park, don't smear your kids with peanut butter to tempt the bears closer . But if thats what you want, it works pretty good.
6) Don't eat at Bino's. Ever.
Toronto was so scary, I barely remember it. The venue was big, not to mention my thoughts were with my sick van. I did not think it was gonna make it to Montreal. It didn't. Poor, poor ultra beaver. An evil man put in a fake transmission. He will pay when I return to Chicago. The upside is we got to cram 4 people into the tiny cab of the tow truck and drive the remaining 100 kilometers to Montreal.
Our tow truck driver was sweet, he told us how much he loves Elvis impersonators; "Well, I've never met the king so this guy is Elvis to me!" Fair enough. We made it to the show in the nick of time, but the night got worse. The frat party from next door spilled over and some jerks took Daryl from Trailer Bride's bass. Ouch! Daryl caught them leaving, but he got kicked in the face and drug down the street hanging onto their car. The police ignored him, even though they saw the people driving away. The promoters, bless their hearts, admitted fault because the security was messed up somehow. They scared up some money for Daryl to get a new bass. I've never seen a promoter do that, they have my undying gratitude and respect. Thank you, Nancy! Next day finds us all angry. Luckily a kind man named Serge is willing to take my van on a day off, but it won't be ready so I have to get a rental. Ouch. Luckily my good friend Paul found the last one in town and decided to come with us to Boston. That cheered us all up a bit. You can't be sad around Paul. We made the Boston show on time and it was great. It was nice to see many members of my family that night. Especially my grandma smoking with the fire door wide open so she wouldn't miss the show. Balls.