TOUR DIARY #14: IT AIN'T TABLOID DIRT
Fall Tour/2002
Starring: Jon Rauhouse, Tom V. Ray & me with special guest star: Kathleen!!! My amazing roommate, who will be selling CDs and watching late-nite movies in the hotel room with me! I know that sounds erotic. I'm mining for the tabloid gold already, we haven't even left Chicago!" My robe has come open Kathleen, can you help me with my robe? "
There will also be secret-surprise guest stars every night, so watch out!
Preparing for tour is something I always leave until the last minute, and I never stop believing the lie I tell myself about how "this time" I will have my shit together early. I never do. Of course, you need all the basics: clothes, instruments, etc., But you also need stuff to entertain yourself, like books, tabloids, magazines, food guides, CDs, weird catalogs and porn. Carefully choosing these items often makes us 4 to 6 hours behind schedule. Here are some recommendations:
1) Currently, in first place is the "Lindsay's Technical Books" catalog. Shitloads of books on lathes. The people at Lindsay's know that this is hilarious. I can spend hours reading the descriptions, for example....
On the book "precision lead screws, gears, and pantographs" "knuckleheads insist you must have a lathe in order to make a lathe. If that is true, then how was the first lathe..." $ 5.95
"Gas-engines and producer gas-engines" "Joe Q. Mechanic dreams of building a boiler, steam engine and dynamo to create his own electricity for his own backwoods cabin. Fat chance he will ever complete it." ... $14.95
"Practical distiller" "make moonshine! Poison yourself! Go blind!" ... $8.95
"The prospectors field guide" "nuts! You don't need satellite photographs and million dollar equipment to find valuable ore deposits!" ... $11.95
"Building small barns and sheds" "give your wife a break. You do remember her don't you? You probably spend too much time in the basement. She is the woman who lives upstairs." ... $16.95
"The great Chicago-style pizza cookbook" "turn off that stupid lathe and feed yourself!" ... $12.95
"Build your own earth oven" "sounds disgusting to me, baking bread in a mud oven." ... $14.95
Yes, I realize I'm going on and on, but if you don't like it, start your own concise and to-the-point website. I love these guys! Those are only partial descriptions above, they are silly, but the folks at Lindsay are very smart and obviously have great respect for lost arts, craftsmanship and out of print books. And if "mad machinist" Dave Gingery doesn't become your hero, I guess I can't say I told you so. Nerd. Check out their website! I dare you. www.lindsaybks.com
2) "Small Favors" girly porno comic book. This awesome comic is drawn with love by an excellent lady named Colleen Coover. Finally! Let the wave of lady pornographers multiply and rule the world!!!! Look her up on the eros website - www.eroscomix.com
3) Daniel Johnston CDs. Touring is surreal, so is he. I pretend all his love songs are about me. His music makes me feel very comforted when I'm having a bad day. Thank you Daniel Johnston!!!!!
4) "Sock Monkey" comic books by Tony Millionaire. Way too funny. Sometimes they make me cry though. I have an unhealthy fixation on Drinky Crow. Maybe I should get a tattoo of him on my neck or face to show my devotion.
5) The Ukulele Occasional. Finally a gearhead publication for me! And you! Most "gear" mags are written by people who sound like they've never heard music, let alone, actually touched an instrument, thus adding to the unhealthy mystique that practicing and learning to play must involve tableture, must be difficult and un-fun. Not this lovely tribute to the uke! If you don't now, you will want a uke bad by the time you've read it. Lots of photos, nice graphics and they hint that they may do a banjo and maybe even a tenor guitar "occasional." I don't have their website handy, but you are smart and resourceful, so I have faith you can find it. You will be thrilled that there will be no chord structure notes for fucking crappy old "Layla" either. Nice work folks!